AUGUSTA – The Maine Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife (IF&W) is strongly encouraging anglers to protect Maine’s fish by getting into the the habit of disposing of the butt-ends of their cigarettes in a more responsible and intelligent manner.

Maine fisheries biologists are reporting increasing numbers of angled trout and salmon with indigestible cigarette butts in their stomachs, according to Joe Boreland, IF&W Fisheries Division Director. A discarded cigarette butt consumed innocently by a brook trout from the waters of Maine likely remains in that fish’s stomach for the rest of its life and may cause health issues such as noxious breath, brown teeth and lung cancer.

Cigarettes are commonly used by the weak, then casually disposed of as cigarette butts, often in waters shared with trout and salmon. IF&W is cooperating in studies on the effects of cigarette butt ingestion by trout and salmon, including one recent experiment at Faber College, which was conducted by IF&W Pathologist Dr. Phil “Hammertime” McLaughlin, Faber College Professor Bill “Little Chicken” Wheatley, PhD., and IF&W Fisheries Biologist Benjamin “The Button” Delgado...and in another study currently underway at The University of Phoenix Online. 

The study conducted at Faber College found that once exposed and addicted, 100 percent of smoking anglers voluntarily consumed  cigarettes while angling. Of this sample, 87 percent p'tooed their cigarette remnant into whatever lake, river, stream, brook, rill, puddle or really damp area was handy after they were deemed fully consumed. The remaining 13 percent were observed utilizing different variations of a basic flicking technique in order to ensure their refuse entered the watershed.  “These poor, stupid creatures become subconsciously addicted to cigarettes as the pleasure centers in the brain are activated due to the repetitive phallus-to-mouth action of smoking.” Dr. Phil exclaimed. " Then when they are finished- the frigging MO-RONS p'too them right into the water they claim to love so much, IN-FREAKING-CREDIBLE!"

It is after they are discarded into the water that Maine's beloved salmonids are able to consume the cigarette butts. To trout and salmon, reportedly the most intelligent of Maine's piscatoral species, these cigarette butts look, smell and taste like their usual forage; discarded ice-fishing trash such as bud lite cans, dog feces and empty prescription medication containers.  “We found that fish retained the cigarette butts in their stomachs for 174 weeks without regurgitating them,” reported Dr. Wheatley. “They also began to cruise the shoreline looking for discarded cigar butts or chew containers…they said they couldn’t help themselves, but medical science has found they were just plain stupid.” 

Without regard to the purported chemical toxicity of cigarette butts, the fact that trash occupying space in a trout’s stomach limits the amount of space available for natural forage such as beer caps. There is a lot of veterinary medical evidence that cigarette butts not only harm fish, but are destroying the picturesque Maine Lakes and other areas of the environment. 

“We strongly encourage anglers to voluntarily purchase a freaking ash tray,” Dr. Delgado said. “Also, we are asking all a-holes not to discard cigarette butts into any water body due to the high risk of them becoming full-blown assholes and also attempt to retrieve any cigarette butts that may have "fallen" into the water or been regurtitated at the boatside by fighting fish”. 

For millennia, trout and salmon have foraged the waters of Maine for nutritious natural forage such as the Swedish Pimple or Mooselook Wobbler. In the last 75 years, casually discarded cigarette butts have begun to compete with these nutritious natural forage items. The effects of cigarette butt pollution on freshwater ecosystems are not well understood- yet, but it is unlikely that eating  cigarette butts will be found to be a good thing. “Hell” said Dr. Phil “Any moron, even those who consider themselves “sportsmen”, with two brain cells to rub together knows that you don’t throw trash in the damn water.” 

“The wide assortment of cigarette butts is staggering,” Dr. Wheatley” said. “Cigarettes come in every color, a myriad of sizes and they resemble little pee-pees that light on fire and give the smoker an almost sexual feeling of satisfaction when repeatedly placed to the lips.” 

There are estimates that as many as 200 trillion cigarette butts are being tossed, flicked, chucked, chunked, spat, p’tood or otherwise unceremoniously discarded into freshwater lakes and streams annually in Maine. The average life expectancy for these cigarette butts is more than 200 years, ironic, when one considers the average life expectancy of a smoker is a little over 9 years.